So I don’t even know where to even begin. I haven’t felt this alive since idk when. Things have really changed. Like a light switch. Its crazy. I am actually laughing. Everything isn’t so serious.. idk. Things feel really different. I really can’t see or understand where I was and have been the past 5 years. Its like I am a whole new person. I feel outside of my body. Like I have a new brain. I didn’t realize how lost and dead and not myself until now. Yes I felt alive with ****, but that was fake. It was me trying to be happy and be myself. It worked for a little bit. But at the same time. He sent me on the rollercoaster ride of my life. And I couldn’t get off, even if things were wrong. Its like I pushed everything to the back of my head and didn’t believe it or believe what anyone was saying. Even though his actions said it all. I was that deep in love and denial. I am just stunned at how clueless and just there really aren’t any words for it. I really honestly wanted him to love me that bad that I would do anything. And I lost myself somewhere along the way. Everything from the way the relationship started, the craziness in the middle, drawn out drug out knockouts to the end and me realizing that all of it was bullshit. That his true colors had been shown the whole time. He never once truly cared for me, it was all pretend. But its ok because I have learned some major life lessons out of it. Just to be able to grieve everything in the past 5 years and finally find not only who I use to be, to realize that I could be myself again. That it was possible. To be able to start new and fresh. To become the true Crystal, both who I was before everything that had happened in the past 5 years and who I had become after grieving and learning many lessons and to really find that strength that I have always had. To laugh loudly and crack jokes, be silly, act like a kid, finish things I started, be ok with doing stuff by myself. And to be able to make choices based off of me and what I think and say and know and my beliefs and values and what I want. Not what everyone else thinks or says. I can call out the bullshit and say what I think about it and whats on my mind. Put people in their place if they are treating me not how I want. I have finally been able to say my farewell lullaby, final goodbye to all of these halfhearted dances, final goodbye to love that is whispered in fear, my final goodbye to all of everybody’s expectations.

Ps. . Yes I still miss Blake and Pruitt. I don’t think that will ever change. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them. They both hold such a very special and important place in my heart. One Sweet Day I will meet them again at those Pearly Gates. Oh what a day that will be. Until then I have 2 angels that look after me day and night.